


at least i'm alive

by filmedeterror



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Mentions of X1 Members, They all need therapy, but not really, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:29:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26649049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/filmedeterror/pseuds/filmedeterror
Summary: x1nies get together for their anniversary and gyulwoo reconciles.
Relationships: Han Seungwoo/Lee Hangyul
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7
Collections: Challenge #6 — Under the Rain





	at least i'm alive

**Author's Note:**

> content warning for discussions of x1 d wording i guess

Hangyul found him sitting by the edge of the pool, looking distractedly at the water as if he didn't realize it was raining. Seungwoo’s clothes and hair had been damp previous to the rain from swimming all morning with the kids, but by then his soaked look made the empty backyard look even sadder. The boys were finishing lunch together when the storm started, and the twenty five year old quickly excused himself to grab a few things they’d left outside.

Standing alone by the porch, everything inside the Hangyul’s body told him to go back inside, keep to himself for a day more and then the weekend would be over and he’d go back to real life. Except real life for the past eight months had just been Hangyul working himself to the bone and using every second of his free time thinking of what he’d do if presented with this exact opportunity.

He should’ve prepared for something like this when they started making plans together, but planning happened very fast, and deep down, the twenty year old didn’t think Seungwoo would actually show up. Dongpyo was the first to suggest it on their group chat, and after some quick spamming from the other kids, Wooseok had been charged with the task of renting a place for their weekend getaway slash anniversary celebration. A few puppy eyes and slight guilt tripping later, every single one of them had a company authorized free weekend. Even Yohan, whose promotions were still going strong, managed to sneak a few days.

Hangyul had no intention of saying no to time off to catch up with his boys, but when Seungwoo had confirmed his presence right away, he’d started overthinking. They hadn’t spoken to each other at all since everything went south—not for lack of trying from the younger’s part, he might add—and going from exchanging tender touches to complete radio silence had left a bitter taste in his mouth. Seungwoo had straight up ghosted him. After kissing him for the first time a few hours before their whole world blew up.

Pushing down his fight or flight response, Hangyul stepped into the backyard, the cold rain and wet grass under his feet somehow grounding him and getting the gigantic moths flying inside his gut under control. The summer storm muffled his steps and so Seungwoo startled a bit when someone sat beside him. Even with how wet Hangyul already was, dipping his legs into the pool felt refreshing, and also distracted him from the elder’s confused stare.

“I said I’d take care of it,” the older man said, pointing back to the towels drying by the porch.

“Yeah, well, you took too long,” Hangyul responded, taking a deep breath and steeling himself for the long awaited monologue he’d prepared.

“I didn’t think you’d wanna talk to me,” Seungwoo said, looking away. Taken aback by the elder’s candor, the smaller man sat gaping for half a second before getting a word in.  
“Avoiding conversations is more of a you thing, isn’t it?” he quipped back, only realizing how harsh it sounded when the elder’s shoulders tensed beside him.

“I deserve that.”

“You do. I shouldn’t have said it, though,” he said regretfully.

Already beating himself up for ruining their chance to talk, Hangyul let the silence around them take over. The wind picked up and he felt himself shiver, wet skin only making the cold radiating from inside worse. _This is so fucking stupid, I shouldn’t even be here,_ he thought and immediately tried to flee. A surprisingly warm hand on his shoulder kept him from getting up.

“It doesn’t change anything, but I’m really sorry, Gyul,” Seungwoo said, taking back his hand as if his touch was poisonous. Sitting back down, the younger hugged his legs and rested his chin on his knees, making himself as small as possible.

“I know you are, hyung. I just don’t know why,” he sighed, feeling helpless. “The only thing I wanted all this time was to understand. So please, please talk to me.”

When he was met with nothing but silence, Hangyul had to hide his face from humiliation. Why did he think begging would make Seungwoo change his mind? If he wanted to talk he would’ve done it long ago.

“I was embarrassed,” he sighed. “And I know what you’re gonna say, please let me get this out... getting kicked out of the dorm so abruptly after we... you know, it hit me pretty hard. I got sick, too out of it the first month to act anything close to normal, and when the penny finally dropped, I realized I hadn’t been there for all of you. It was my job to take care of you guys. Of you. And when it really mattered, I just didn’t show up...”

“No one expected you to. We all needed time!” Hangyul said, gesturing frantically. “Dohyon and I spent weeks living in silence, everyone else was dealing with it in their own way, we’d never judge you for that.”

“But I did,” the elder replied dejectedly. “And now it’s been too long.”

“Then why are you telling me now?”

“‘Cause being here with everyone and seeing you made me realize I can’t live with any of you hating me,” Seungwoo responded, almost a whisper.  
“No one hates you, that’s impossible... And I don’t think it’s too late either, the kids really miss you.”

“Do you?” the taller man tried not to be hopeful, but Hangyul was being so understanding he couldn’t help it.

“You know the answer to that, don’t make me say it,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“I won’t... Don’t really have the right, do I?” said the elder somewhat bashfully.

“You don’t. But you can start making up for it now,” he looked away to hide his smirk.

“And where do I begin?”

“You can start by getting me inside, how about that?” Hangyul said, offering his hand, which Seungwoo promptly took.

**Author's Note:**

> come chat with me on twitter @wlwooya


End file.
